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Introducing the Next Generation of IDF Soldier

Newest Breed of IDF Soldier Often Walks on Four Feet

By: Leonard Carl
Published: December 7th, 2012 in News » World
If Israel's neighbors are to be believed, the IDF is ran by Dr. Dolittle

Just hours after Shalom Life reported that Darfur authorities had captured an “Israeli spy vulture” complete with an Israeli GPS chip and a leg band that reads, “Israel Nature Service,” came new, surprising information that supports Darfur’s claims, and sheds light on a new breed of Israeli soldier.

That’s right, reports have surfaced that for over a decade now, the Israeli Defense Forces have been breeding and training animals to carry out missions and maneuvers too hard for humans.

For example, the vulture captured in Darfur was created in a laboratory in a secret Haifa location where it was fitted with special night vision contact lenses and microscopic cameras which transmit images back to a secret Israeli headquarters.

Among the other animals being trained as members of the IDFAU (Israeli Defense Forces Animal Unity) are a turtle fitted with an impenetrable shell, allowing it to deliver top secret messages to IDF troops in volatile areas; a giraffe fitted with cameras to look over and beyond enemy borders and blockades, a genetically enhanced porcupine able to shoot poison quills and a number of different species of fish, all of which are equipped to perform repairs to ships in the Israeli Navy.

According to Professor Yitzhak Doolittle, the man in charge of new initiatives in the IDFAU, this is only the tip of the iceberg.

“Let’s face it, men are men, and women are women, but as humans, they are limited in what they can achieve due to their physical presence,” said Prof Doolittle. “Birds are made to fly, fish to swim, they are most efficient and effective when in their natural habitats, so why shouldn’t we take advantage of it. Surrounded by so many enemies, we need to take advantage of anything we can to defend ourselves.”

Professor Doolittle says plans are also in the works to train other animals, rodents, and even insects in the future.

“Have you ever seen the ant-eater,” asks Professor Doolittle? “It has the ability, like the most advanced vacuum cleaners, to suck up gun powder, explosive devices and even our enemies’ food rations, making them weaker and more vulnerable. Of course, the only problem with them is that they look too Jewish, so we’ve brought in Tel Aviv’s most notable rhinoplasty experts to see if they can make their noses a little less, well, Jewish. Otherwise, it’ll be hard for them to sneak into enemy territory without being noticed.”

The above story is fictional, although we so wish it wasn't.

Related articles: Friday Funny, Vulture, Bird, Sudan, Iran, IDF, Spy, Espionage
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